Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Life Changes, pt. 2

Greetings World!

I've been remiss. Six months ago I put a single line in my last entry and then never explained myself. Most likely there is no one reading this who doesn't know the events of the last half-year, but nonetheless, I'll recount a brief overview now.

The short story: I failed to graduate from college when I intended and found myself confronting parts of myself that I had neglected and overlooked for some time. I wish I could say I was in over my head and no one would've succeeded in those circumstances, but that would be a lie. Rather, I reached a point of busyness and responsibility that demanded I rely on others and not just myself. I reached a point of breaking where I could refashion the manner in which I used my time and energies or I could watch everything crumble around me. I reached a point when I needed to be human and instead chose the route of playing God. I am not God.

Consequently, I watched much of my world crumble around me. I was blessed to be surrounded by persons who encouraged me to be present in my brokenness and receive the redemption that God wanted for me. As a result, as I stated in my last post, I once again began to feel.

I do not presume that I have gained the heights of sagacity an am now prepared to dish out wisdom, for that I suggest that you fear God and get some humility. I have learned however that in isolation, in the attempt to keep all the plates spinning on my own, in the madness of pleasing others and constantly striving to achieve titanic standards of perfection and excellence, I stop being human - and that's not okay. In fact, it's death. Death for me, and a death sentence of separation and isolation from my friends, family, church, and spouse. Not to mention from God.

So, I've began to heal. I am also retaking a few classes so I can finally graduate. This is a constant reminder to be present in this process of redemption. Had I got what I asked for back in April (an extension so I could turn things in late) I would have received pity, not mercy. And I would never have received the grace of learning and growing out of my insecurities and deficiencies.

This is a summary of that part of my story from the last six months. God has proven faithful, I have proven to be much more of a stubborn mule than I ever guessed. Praise God - he used Balaam's donkey and he sees fit to use me too.

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