Sometimes realizations are more like revelations - a simple linking of ideas and thoughts that become a tidal wave of understanding. Maybe tidal wave is a little dramatic. Just a normal biggish wave, you know, the type you have to brace for and might knock you over. I'm kind of glad those moments don't happen more often, actually. In the time it takes to recover from one moment, another is upon you. This thought is actually the grand-child of one those moments a few weeks ago. It happened something like this (as prompted by Jim):
Jim (from the office): "I feel like there's a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kinds of things I used to do... then, what am I doing?"
Back to Me:
Everyday I want to feel like there's a chance for me to start over. But what if it's all just a fantastic deception? As soon as I set out to change I immediately feel the weight of my past. It's there and I can't get rid of it. I am a product of my past - I am what has happened to me, what I have done, and how I have chosen to respond to it all. And there is no time for internal non-time. There is no stillness or rest in the forward motion of time, no moment when I can examine my heart.
What I mean by that is this. The grand narratives of literature and film have capitalized on a ludicrously odd superpowers or technological marvels that somehow freeze time for everyone except the one casting the spell. The spellcaster remains unharmed and is able to mold the frozen reality around him, add items, remove items, remove himself, whatever. For those moments he is able to change the scene permanently. The problem is that as cool as it is to freeze time, the spellcaster can never freeze who he is while at the same time touching up his emotional scars, adding and removing aspects of his personality, or changing his very nature. At no point in time am I able to freeze the world, freeze myself, enter into a deep think and rummage through my soul till I determine what can stay and what needs to go and what add-ons would be convenient right about now.
And so, at this season of life I feel like there's a chance to start over. And yet, like those waves of realization/revelation, as soon as I notice something about myself that needs resurrection I'm confronted with another, and another. There is no time to fix myself. And to top it all off, the clock has never stopped ticking. If I stop to reflect, I'll fumble the present that I'm in. Then it all gets super complicated as current reflections on current and past events impact current and future events in ways I won't understand until I reflect on them too. Inevitably, by staring into the swirling chaos long enough my present becomes as chaotic as my past.
I am overwhelmed by the unstoppable hands of time. I am humbled by the simple largeness of the moon's revolutions around us and our revolutions around the sun. I am so small. And yet, in my personal universe, every action counts. My cosmic confusion about the nature of being aside, I have to walk through life believing I can change. Otherwise, what hope is there?
~ I rarely blog, but I do try to record my musings in a doc called "Thoughts and Questions" on my mac. I wrote this ditty a few months ago and was stunned today by it's relevance to my current situation. Yes - I am my own prophet of doom! So please, be stunned as I am, and if you require prophetic services leave a creative comment and I my curiosity might be piqued.
[for all my Christian friends (especially Moody's): yes, I know I can't really change without the Holy Spirit and that attempting to change is futile if not initiated by the God through the Gospel of grace. Please consider this post more of a reflection on the difficulty of change, not a prescription or model. Not that you would anyways...]
Monday, September 28, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I am constantly waiting for something. Actually, I am constantly waiting for many things. If I had to compile a list of things I'm waiting for, it would either use a handful of rain forests or use all my available free space in my gmail account. Either way, it's rather boggling to think of everything that is perpetually loading, in transit, being shipped, being confirmed, in process, on the way, cooking, baking, growing, maturing, developing, responding, changing, charging, streaming, downloading, uploading, returning, (basically a lot of verbs), drying, resting, etc.
So, what am I waiting for right now? Sleep to come. I'll figure everything else out later.
at 4:32 AM
Today a friend brought me an iPhone with a story about how a co-worker found it and had given it to him but he couldn't accept it unless he knew he had exhausted all efforts to contact the lost owner. Enter Google, center stage, with a spotlight.
So we plugged it in and sure enough it tried to sync with my mac. While attempting to do so the name of the iPhone appeared in iTunes and iPhoto and we went straight to Google. Well, some dude with the same name who lived in Chicago had a myspace page so we messaged him and two hours later we got a message back. Sure enough, it was the dude. End scene, curtain drops, Google takes a bow and accepts the oscar for best actor, Mac receives the oscar for best supporting actor. Everyone's happy.
What a world we live in. So many stinkin' people (7 billion to be precise) and thanks to Mac, Google, and Myspace we located the owner in about... a minute and a half, give or take.
So what's the take away? I don't know. The rascal in the Care Bear PJ's is in bed already, how should I know what the take away is. All I know is that insomnia is too regularly a part of my life, that I try to pretend doesn't exist, and as a result I'm typing this story at 4 in the morning.
Oh, apparently, from how I titled this post before I started typing it, the take away is that we're all bound together by our technology. We're in love with robots. Maybe it's because they allow a technological narcissism the Greeks could never have imagined when they invented the story of Narcissus and the pool. I feel gross now. I need to go cleanse my soul and turn my eyeballs around from looking inside to looking outside.
at 3:25 AM
Saturday, July 11, 2009
If anyone reads this, get help. No, not for me, silly. For yourself. Really, you read this? You check a blog that only has three entries? Three entries from nearly a year ago? Well, I appreciate your faithfulness anyways.
Back on topic, no, I was not abducted by aliens for the last ten months. Nor was I a part of a secret military program designing super soldier serum (that was a shout out to you P.G.). No. I was simply too overwhelmed with life to even think about updating my immense cyber-following with the roller-coaster rides of school, family, girls, work, ministry, literature, technology, art, music, and all the other adventures I seem to have.
Today I inaugurate a belated New Year's Resolution. I will blog more frequently - and not only when I feel tickled by profound thoughts I can neither fathom or communicate. I will blog. I will not become a blogger because now, with every keystroke, I declare that I AM A BLOGGER.
It says so in the title of the blog site anyways. (www.blogger.com)
So. For my very first non-profound blog topic I give you the least advertised but most significant holiday between July 10 and July 12 of every year - 7/11's Birthday Party on July 11 of every calendar year. 7/11, being the wonderful people they are, don't want a birthday present, in fact, they want to give away party favors! Flowing freely with frothy foamy substance, 7/11 gives away Slurpies like no body's business - no bodies business, except 7/11's that is.
For those of you who just stumbled out of Free-Birthday-Slurpy ignorance, there is a chair in the corner where you can put your head between your knees, breathe deep, close your eyes, and try to forgive yourself for all the birthdays you missed.
Anyways, I'm sure there's a spiritual analogy somewhere in all this that's just squirming in it's Care Bear footy-pajamas trying to get some attention from dad, but this time I'm not going to entertain the lil' rascal. I just want to put this date on your calendar for next year, and the next, and the next.
Happy Slurpday 7/11
at 11:36 PM