Sometimes realizations are more like revelations - a simple linking of ideas and thoughts that become a tidal wave of understanding. Maybe tidal wave is a little dramatic. Just a normal biggish wave, you know, the type you have to brace for and might knock you over. I'm kind of glad those moments don't happen more often, actually. In the time it takes to recover from one moment, another is upon you. This thought is actually the grand-child of one those moments a few weeks ago. It happened something like this (as prompted by Jim):
Jim (from the office): "I feel like there's a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kinds of things I used to do... then, what am I doing?"
Back to Me:
Everyday I want to feel like there's a chance for me to start over. But what if it's all just a fantastic deception? As soon as I set out to change I immediately feel the weight of my past. It's there and I can't get rid of it. I am a product of my past - I am what has happened to me, what I have done, and how I have chosen to respond to it all. And there is no time for internal non-time. There is no stillness or rest in the forward motion of time, no moment when I can examine my heart.
What I mean by that is this. The grand narratives of literature and film have capitalized on a ludicrously odd superpowers or technological marvels that somehow freeze time for everyone except the one casting the spell. The spellcaster remains unharmed and is able to mold the frozen reality around him, add items, remove items, remove himself, whatever. For those moments he is able to change the scene permanently. The problem is that as cool as it is to freeze time, the spellcaster can never freeze who he is while at the same time touching up his emotional scars, adding and removing aspects of his personality, or changing his very nature. At no point in time am I able to freeze the world, freeze myself, enter into a deep think and rummage through my soul till I determine what can stay and what needs to go and what add-ons would be convenient right about now.
And so, at this season of life I feel like there's a chance to start over. And yet, like those waves of realization/revelation, as soon as I notice something about myself that needs resurrection I'm confronted with another, and another. There is no time to fix myself. And to top it all off, the clock has never stopped ticking. If I stop to reflect, I'll fumble the present that I'm in. Then it all gets super complicated as current reflections on current and past events impact current and future events in ways I won't understand until I reflect on them too. Inevitably, by staring into the swirling chaos long enough my present becomes as chaotic as my past.
I am overwhelmed by the unstoppable hands of time. I am humbled by the simple largeness of the moon's revolutions around us and our revolutions around the sun. I am so small. And yet, in my personal universe, every action counts. My cosmic confusion about the nature of being aside, I have to walk through life believing I can change. Otherwise, what hope is there?
P.S.
~ I rarely blog, but I do try to record my musings in a doc called "Thoughts and Questions" on my mac. I wrote this ditty a few months ago and was stunned today by it's relevance to my current situation. Yes - I am my own prophet of doom! So please, be stunned as I am, and if you require prophetic services leave a creative comment and I my curiosity might be piqued.
[for all my Christian friends (especially Moody's): yes, I know I can't really change without the Holy Spirit and that attempting to change is futile if not initiated by the God through the Gospel of grace. Please consider this post more of a reflection on the difficulty of change, not a prescription or model. Not that you would anyways...]
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