Thank you, Jim. You're an inspiration to us all.

Sometimes realizations are more like revelations - a simple linking of ideas and thoughts that become a tidal wave of understanding. Maybe tidal wave is a little dramatic. Just a normal biggish wave, you know, the type you have to brace for and might knock you over. I'm kind of glad those moments don't happen more often, actually. In the time it takes to recover from one moment, another is upon you. This thought is actually the grand-child of one those moments a few weeks ago. It happened something like this (as prompted by Jim):

Jim (from the office): "I feel like there's a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kinds of things I used to do... then, what am I doing?"

Back to Me:

Everyday I want to feel like there's a chance for me to start over. But what if it's all just a fantastic deception? As soon as I set out to change I immediately feel the weight of my past. It's there and I can't get rid of it. I am a product of my past - I am what has happened to me, what I have done, and how I have chosen to respond to it all. And there is no time for internal non-time. There is no stillness or rest in the forward motion of time, no moment when I can examine my heart.

What I mean by that is this. The grand narratives of literature and film have capitalized on a ludicrously odd superpowers or technological marvels that somehow freeze time for everyone except the one casting the spell. The spellcaster remains unharmed and is able to mold the frozen reality around him, add items, remove items, remove himself, whatever. For those moments he is able to change the scene permanently. The problem is that as cool as it is to freeze time, the spellcaster can never freeze who he is while at the same time touching up his emotional scars, adding and removing aspects of his personality, or changing his very nature. At no point in time am I able to freeze the world, freeze myself, enter into a deep think and rummage through my soul till I determine what can stay and what needs to go and what add-ons would be convenient right about now.

And so, at this season of life I feel like there's a chance to start over. And yet, like those waves of realization/revelation, as soon as I notice something about myself that needs resurrection I'm confronted with another, and another. There is no time to fix myself. And to top it all off, the clock has never stopped ticking. If I stop to reflect, I'll fumble the present that I'm in. Then it all gets super complicated as current reflections on current and past events impact current and future events in ways I won't understand until I reflect on them too. Inevitably, by staring into the swirling chaos long enough my present becomes as chaotic as my past.

I am overwhelmed by the unstoppable hands of time. I am humbled by the simple largeness of the moon's revolutions around us and our revolutions around the sun. I am so small. And yet, in my personal universe, every action counts. My cosmic confusion about the nature of being aside, I have to walk through life believing I can change. Otherwise, what hope is there?

P.S.
~ I rarely blog, but I do try to record my musings in a doc called "Thoughts and Questions" on my mac. I wrote this ditty a few months ago and was stunned today by it's relevance to my current situation. Yes - I am my own prophet of doom! So please, be stunned as I am, and if you require prophetic services leave a creative comment and I my curiosity might be piqued.

[for all my Christian friends (especially Moody's): yes, I know I can't really change without the Holy Spirit and that attempting to change is futile if not initiated by the God through the Gospel of grace. Please consider this post more of a reflection on the difficulty of change, not a prescription or model. Not that you would anyways...]

(Insert Jeopardy Soundtrack Here)

I am constantly waiting for something. Actually, I am constantly waiting for many things. If I had to compile a list of things I'm waiting for, it would either use a handful of rain forests or use all my available free space in my gmail account. Either way, it's rather boggling to think of everything that is perpetually loading, in transit, being shipped, being confirmed, in process, on the way, cooking, baking, growing, maturing, developing, responding, changing, charging, streaming, downloading, uploading, returning, (basically a lot of verbs), drying, resting, etc.

So, what am I waiting for right now? Sleep to come. I'll figure everything else out later.

The Ties That Bind

Today a friend brought me an iPhone with a story about how a co-worker found it and had given it to him but he couldn't accept it unless he knew he had exhausted all efforts to contact the lost owner. Enter Google, center stage, with a spotlight.

So we plugged it in and sure enough it tried to sync with my mac. While attempting to do so the name of the iPhone appeared in iTunes and iPhoto and we went straight to Google. Well, some dude with the same name who lived in Chicago had a myspace page so we messaged him and two hours later we got a message back. Sure enough, it was the dude. End scene, curtain drops, Google takes a bow and accepts the oscar for best actor, Mac receives the oscar for best supporting actor. Everyone's happy.

What a world we live in. So many stinkin' people (7 billion to be precise) and thanks to Mac, Google, and Myspace we located the owner in about... a minute and a half, give or take.

So what's the take away? I don't know. The rascal in the Care Bear PJ's is in bed already, how should I know what the take away is. All I know is that insomnia is too regularly a part of my life, that I try to pretend doesn't exist, and as a result I'm typing this story at 4 in the morning.

Oh, apparently, from how I titled this post before I started typing it, the take away is that we're all bound together by our technology. We're in love with robots. Maybe it's because they allow a technological narcissism the Greeks could never have imagined when they invented the story of Narcissus and the pool. I feel gross now. I need to go cleanse my soul and turn my eyeballs around from looking inside to looking outside.

Old Acquaintances Renewed

If anyone reads this, get help. No, not for me, silly. For yourself. Really, you read this? You check a blog that only has three entries? Three entries from nearly a year ago? Well, I appreciate your faithfulness anyways.

Back on topic, no, I was not abducted by aliens for the last ten months. Nor was I a part of a secret military program designing super soldier serum (that was a shout out to you P.G.). No. I was simply too overwhelmed with life to even think about updating my immense cyber-following with the roller-coaster rides of school, family, girls, work, ministry, literature, technology, art, music, and all the other adventures I seem to have.

Today I inaugurate a belated New Year's Resolution. I will blog more frequently - and not only when I feel tickled by profound thoughts I can neither fathom or communicate. I will blog. I will not become a blogger because now, with every keystroke, I declare that I AM A BLOGGER.

It says so in the title of the blog site anyways. (www.blogger.com)

So. For my very first non-profound blog topic I give you the least advertised but most significant holiday between July 10 and July 12 of every year - 7/11's Birthday Party on July 11 of every calendar year. 7/11, being the wonderful people they are, don't want a birthday present, in fact, they want to give away party favors! Flowing freely with frothy foamy substance, 7/11 gives away Slurpies like no body's business - no bodies business, except 7/11's that is.

For those of you who just stumbled out of Free-Birthday-Slurpy ignorance, there is a chair in the corner where you can put your head between your knees, breathe deep, close your eyes, and try to forgive yourself for all the birthdays you missed.

Anyways, I'm sure there's a spiritual analogy somewhere in all this that's just squirming in it's Care Bear footy-pajamas trying to get some attention from dad, but this time I'm not going to entertain the lil' rascal. I just want to put this date on your calendar for next year, and the next, and the next.

Happy Slurpday 7/11

A Severe Lesson In History

George Santayana:

 - Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it. 

This oft quoted statement earns it's keep every day, and today is not the slightest exception. CNN reported today that "a 13 year-old girl who said she had been raped was stoned to death in Somalia after being accused of adultery by Islamic militants..." (the rest of the article can be found here) 

Rewind two-thousand years.

Early in the morning Jesus came to the temple and all the people came to him, and ready to be taught they sat down at his feet. The scribes and Pharisees, not interested in his teachings but only trying to trap him, came also. They brought with them a woman who was guilty of adultery and placed her in the midst of the people. 

The crafty keepers of the law asked, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery. Moses commanded us to stone one such as her, but what do you say?" They hoped Jesus would dig himself a hole he couldn't climb out of so that they could bring charges against him and legitimately have him killed. 

But instead of answering them directly Jesus stooped, bent over, and with his finger began to write in the dirt of the ground. Frustrated, they continued to pester him, so he stood up and looking them in the eye said, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to cast a stone at her." Having said his peace he stooped again and continued writing in the dirt. 

But when they heard what he had said they left the scene, one by one, from oldest to youngest, until Jesus and the woman were left alone in the makeshift court with the woman standing before him. Again Jesus stood up, but this time speaking to her, said, "Where did everyone go? Has no one condemned you?" In tears, the words, "No one, Lord," fell from her trembling mouth. 

He replied, "Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on sin no more."

Fast-forward again to present day. The facts are not a perfect reflection of the analogy forced through this blog, but some aspects beg and pull at my thoughts. The Pharisees, scribes, and Islamic militants objectified the people around them as tools for a 'higher' cause. The Pharisees wanted Jesus dead more than they cared about the destiny of the adulterers' life - much less her eternal destiny and relationship with God the Father. A means to an end. Nothing more.

The Islamic militants made an example of an innocent, victimized, 13-year old girl because they needed a sacrifice to glorify their control over the Somali people. In a moment, one girls life blood turned to liquid fear, a venom that will deaden the nerves of the Somali citizens, remove their hearts, and force them to their knees - another country successfully subjugated by Islam. 

Today's murder exposed the character of the Islamic militants in the same way that Jesus' question exposed the character of the Pharisees, the scribes, and you and I - dreadfully sinful. Steeped in sin. Stained by sin. We, and they, are broken and defiled creatures separated from God by our sin. 

In the past I have taken refuge by identifying with the woman - I am worthy of judgement, but I have been forgiven and now live in Christ. But today I am brought face to face with my darker self, the accuser, the Pharisee and religious zealot. Could I not also be counted in their ranks? Have I not also pointed the finger, cast stones of judgement upon my brothers, glorified my righteousness at the expense of their life, instead of extending grace, hope, forgiveness, and reconciliation? 

Perhaps the greatest tragedy of John chapter 8 is that when Christ utters his divine words of forgiveness there is no one there to stand witness. The very souls that walked away in conviction are the souls who most need to hear his message of hope. 

Jesus changed the course of history by revealing that none of us has any right to judge another's sin. Neither do any of us have the authority to absolve another's sin. The authority to judge and to forgive rests only in God's hands. The Islamic militants did not learn history by way of Christ and thus took the reigns of judgement into their own hands. The price was the life of child. Instead of judgement our role is to draw one anther towards Christ. In full knowledge of our own sin, in full knowledge of God's forgiveness, we share that same message with the broken around us. 

The opportunities before me have never been so grossly influential. Instead my day to day is filled with the mostly mundane. But as opportunities arise I face the same choice: will I humbly direct my brother and sister towards the cross, or instead hurl death, heaping the crushing weight of guilt upon a person made in the image of God? I pray the former. 

Let's learn from history as Christ wrote it.

The paraphrase of John 8:1-11 is my own and was not the result of scholarly translation.

Goodnight Moon, Hello Sun - Part 1

"And there was evening and there was morning, the first day... Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And God created the two lights great lights - the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night. And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day...

As I've been contemplating the theme of light and dark in the book of John, several thoughts have assaulted my knowledge of Christ. Most notably is this - that Jesus, the Messiah, is the light. Let it sink in. Read it slow. Bathe in this truth as you would bathe in the rays of the sun of summer. 

Andrew Murray writes in The True Vine that, 

"All earthly things are the shadows of heavenly realities - the expression, in created, visible forms, of the invisible glory of God. The life and the truth are in heaven; on earth we have figures and shadows of the heavenly truths.

When Jesus says: "I am the true vine," He tells us that all the vines on earth are pictures of Himself. He is the divine reality, of which they are the created expression. They all point to Him, and preach Him, and reveal Him. If you would know Jesus, study the vine."

Murray's Vine succinctly provides the form for my sentiments concerning the Sun. To borrow from Murray, when Jesus says: "I am the light of the world," He tells us that light, and it's physical source the sun, is a picture of Himself. He is the divine reality, of which the sun is the created expression. The sun points to Him, preaches Him, and reveals Him. If you would know Jesus, study the light and the sun. These physical expressions will not give a complete understanding of Christ, but they will, in their own specific ways, testify uniquely to his nature and character.

This week I am amazed at the Messiah, the light and life of men. He has come onto the scene of humanity with a light that pierces the deepest darkness and a life that raises the dead from the grave. 

There is more I want to share, but I am not eloquent enough to tie each of the threads together. For now, pick a day this week when you can arrange your schedule and go someplace to see the sunrise. Get there an hour before that ball of fire rises so that you experience the darkness before the dawn. Immerse yourself in the glory of God's creation as you ponder Christ as the true light. 

Somewhere inside the light bulb

illuminate

verb

1. the bundle was illuminated by the torch

LIGHT (up), lighten, throw light on, brighten, shine on, irradiate; literary: illumine, illume, enlighten. ANTONYM darken.

2. the manuscripts were illuminated

DECORATE, illustrate, embellish, adorn, ornament.

3. documents often illuminate people's thought processes

CLARIFY, elucidate, explain, reveal, shed light on, give insight into, demystify; exemplify, illustrate; informal: spell out. ANTONYM confuse, conceal.

[definition provided by my dictionary widget]

I have blogged other places, I've thought thoughts on other pages, and here I am beginning a new blog in a new place. What has changed are my thoughts. 

Most of my life till now could be characterized by a number of word-pictures. For many years my email name has been (and will continue to be) transphormed@whereverI'mdoingmyemail.com, and I applied that name to my old blog as well. But here's the hang up - the more I look inside myself, I see less and less that has been transformed and more and more that needs to be transformed by God into the likeness of Christ. Those days are bummers. The name I chose for myself has turned into a shackle of shame chained to my soul because I know that though I've been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb, my mind has not yet been renewed perfectly - though it is being renewed daily. As a result, the most of me has yet to be transformed. 

I am forced, therefore, to choose a name that strikes an honest accord with this new account of my body, mind, and soul. This last week I began reading the Gospel of Jesus, as recorded by the Apostle John, and as I read the first chapter I was struck by a phrase I thought I knew.

"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:4-5

I count myself amongst those have been illuminated by the Life and the Light of men, Jesus the Christ, my Creator and Redeemer. The Messiah shines into the darkness of my body, mind, and soul. He reigns and is not subdued, He reigns and is not overcome. In this there is no shame, in this there can be no false guilt. Before, I wrestled to be transformed by my own strength. Now, I rest, knowing that by God's grace He shines upon me, in and through me, not by my will but His alone.

Hopefully, this blog will be reflection of God's continual illumination of my being. I pray that it will, and that through His word, with Christ as the center, this blog will serve to illumine you as well, transforming each of us through the renewal of our minds by the power of the Holy Spirit.