Sunday, April 4, 2010

I am not a "man-ape" (and I have the Man Card to prove it)

Can they get any more ridiculous? I am not a "man-ape"! 
I can only hope that what happened to our beloved "Climate Scientists" happens to our dear "Human Evolutionary Biologists". Someone, please, hack their emails and find incriminating evidence that exposes the absurdity of their thinking.
You know, I am kind of interested in finding out, however, just how many imbeciles out there believe we came from apes. I want them all to brand it on their forehead, or tattoo it on their hands. Or at least wear t-shirts constantly that say something along the lines of... oh, I don't know, "My Great Aunt is an Orangoutang", or "Don't tick off my cousin Larry, when he gets mad he throws his poop". You know, something like that. Something that says, "I made it! 1st Generation Human!".
As long as we're entertaining the absurd, I think I should point out something that these scientists seem to have missed! They've been looking at fossils from millions of years ago trying to find the missing link, but there are living missing links all around us! 
For example, take the ones who have body hair like nobody's business. I knew this guy a few years back and every morning, I kid you not, he had to divorce his head from his chest by shaving his neck - all the way around. (He somehow managed to get married. She must have a thing for sweaters). Another friend had to regularly buzz his arms because they took on the characteristics of coarse wool. Scientists! Look to these men! They stand before you in hairy glory!
Okay, I'm done with this. If you really want to read the article, just click the headline. Knock yourself out. And if you're feeling inspired, go get a stick and poke around a termite mound. Or better yet, have some family bonding time by grooming each other for tasty insects.
As to the title of the post, I do in fact have a Man Card. It was received by myself several summers ago by authorities on the issue and I have borne it ever since in solemn gratitude and dignity. 
It reads: This card entitles the bearer to all the rights and privileges of manhood, including strength, courage, and headship. 
Bam! I ain't no man-ape! 

1 comment:

J&H said...

Thanks for the laugh, bro. Gave me reason to thank the Lord my husband doesn't wear a sweater! :)